Growing up Mormon, you wear a CTR ring – a constant reminder to “Choose The Right”. As an adult non-Mormon, I actually really love this concept – just not with affiliation with any religion or even morality. CTR is the Mormon version of WWJD, which I also like – a symbol that reminds you to make good choices. But today I’m not talking about choosing “good” over “bad,” it’s choosing what makes me feel better when I’m stuck in a meh or sad mood (long dark wet winters here are challenging). Last April, I read something that was pretty life-altering (and almost stupid in its simplicity). It was by a famous happiness psychologist (sorry, I forget who) who defined their “key to feeling happy”. Listen, I’m wary like most people about privileged gurus telling others how they should be happier (*cough* myself included), but every now and again a nugget really hits, and then as a compulsive sharer I want to tell you. You see when I’m stressed, sad or in a negative loop, I can easily cope with not the healthiest things (french fries, wine, chocolate, holing myself up in the dark binging Love is Blind, avoiding everyone and everything, procrastinating in the name of “self care,” blah blah) and sometimes these are totally fine but those almost never contribute to me feeling better. And I know it. And then I get so mad at myself for not making a better choice, and thus the loop begins. It’s not always easy or natural for me; I have to force it, but when I do, it has always worked.
Here it is (don’t laugh): Step 1: Identify the things that make you feel good, and then, Step 2: Do them as often as possible.
It sounds almost too easy. Now obviously there are a ton of things out of our control that deeply affect our individual “happiness” (including, you know, societal systems of oppression, health/marriage/money problems, daily dangers, childhood trauma, mental health, chronic disease/pain, the patriarchy) so this is not meant to fix any of those – it’s just about what we have in our power to control which is our perspective and mood. Coincidentally, I’m sure in a better position to tackle any larger problems or think bigger when I’m in a more positive mood. When I started doing this 2-step approach six months ago, it absolutely shifted my day (and life) a lot, and this next year I want to make a conscious effort to do it more (November/December is always a bit slippery for me, so it’s so nice to be back at it).
Now, we can all easily list stuff we “like to do,” stuff that is “fun” for us, or even our “favorite” things to do, but this list is different. It’s less “bottomless mimosa brunch” (which is fine!) and more about what makes you feel really good about yourself, both during and more importantly after you’ve done it. And the hope is that these little micro “goods” can add up to a better day (and then life).
So in the name of internet self-indulgence, I figured I’d list mine for you:
- Long walks: with the pups, with kids, with close friends, or Brian talking through all problems or simply with a great podcast – weighted or not, nature or street. JUST WALK.
- Engaging my kids by doing something they want to do: Doing a craft with Elliot and playing chess with Charlie (and no, I don’t always feel like it, but it always feels good after).
- “Connecting” with Brian
- Any date night conversation where we don’t talk about logistics (which helps with #3)
- Making and eating a healthy soup or any Sunday meal prep (I’m always so proud of myself! And my week goes so much better) – always done with a podcast if kids aren’t helping. And so enjoyable.
- Cleaning or organizing while listening to a gripping podcast (Can this be considered a “hobby”? But yes, I also use this to avoid other things, so I have to be careful here…)
- Weeknight TV shows snuggled with my family: Watching something that we all love equally. Simple shared experiences with a lot of physical touch (right now it’s past seasons of Survivor – we are addicted!). No phones. No scrolling. Lots of snuggles.
- Any exercise (duh): But doesn’t have to be Orange Theory (which works but oof). I love yoga, pilates, or my Peloton (specifically with Cody or Sam Yo), a quick HIIT training, or lifting weights with a podcast. 20 minutes does WONDERS.
- Quick fun room makeovers for my friends and family (my fantasy job – such a win/win).
- Cold plunging or sauna blanket (sorry, I still love it – always boosts my mood).
- Any time in nature: Hiking, cross country, staring at waterfalls, just sitting amongst trees. Turns out I need trees to thrive, rain or shine.
- Reading in bed with Charlie or “Girl talk” with Elliot: So easy to just put them to bed, but when we make the time to go up early and connect all our nervous systems calm down, and it’s a big love fest.
- Having “the hard conversation” (that are so easy to put off but you feel so good afterwards – JUST DO IT!!!)
- Helping others: Decorating for people who need the help (probably my favorite part of my job, win/win). Hoping to do even more this year (including readers and more folks struggling).
- Leading team meetings with clarity and organization because I was prepared (so easy for me to think I can wing it or that we are just a well-oiled machine that doesn’t need tending to).
- Team retreats! (See above!) We all feel so excited and committed after a few days together.
- Quick family game after dinner (sometimes it sounds like so much work TBH, but we never regret it).
- Reading blog comments and responding (I feel so connected to you and my career more, I feel more part of this community, I’m reminded why I love being here, and feel so grateful instantly).
- Having my family over for a big, fun meal (always chaotic, always fun): The six cousins together are so heartwarming – something we never had growing up.
- Dancing (why don’t I do this more???)
- Listening to musicals on full blast and singing super loud.
- Journaling (with a heavy gratefulness practice – it absolutely shifts my day).
- Romance novels (or any gripping novel): also helps with #3. My recs HERE.
- Reading or listening to anything by Brenne Brown, Esther Perel or Adam Grant – my heroes: I always feel empowered, seen, and just more ready to tackle my personal challenges after spending time with them.
- Family dog walks (kids will complain, and yet we have the best conversations).
- Hot bath with face/hair mask, herbal tea or coffee (rainy weekend mornings are the best, also helps with #3). Hot water releases oxytocin (I think all of the above do, actually).
It’s honestly a really fun exercise to list them all (and I also printed them out for my daily reference). Sure, many of these things I enjoy or don’t mind, but most of the time it’s about the good feelings that come afterwards – the dopamine, oxytocin, or just pride that I checked the box and made a good choice. Looking at the list, it’s clear that “connecting” is my vehicle towards feeling “better”. I feel the most “good” when I connect with my kids, my husband, my friends, my team, my pets, my family, my home, my health/body, and YOU. These things don’t deplete me; they just fill me up. If I know all of this, then why do I put them off? Why do I not bake 2-3 of these into my day every day??? They are all free, and many don’t require more than 20 minutes!
Actually doing them is often the barrier, right? And it’s not about “finding” the time, I know I have to carve it out. I have to get out of my seat and off my phone. So last year I started implementing Mel Robbins’ “Rocket” 5,4,3,2,1 method to actually get myself to do any of the above things on a daily basis. Now, TBH, I’m not a massive Mel fan (I don’t currently connect with her “tough love” borderline know-it-all personality, but I can take some of what she says and implement it in my own way), but boy does this work for me. You just stop putting off the thing you know you should do and count down like a rocket ship announcer, out loud, “FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!” and you MUST, like a rocket, get out of your chair and go do it. It’s so stupid! And yet it works! Brian has caught me multiple times chanting it to myself at my desk, then getting on my workout clothes and forcing a 20-minute Peloton. And then, you guessed it, I feel better.
So my New Year’s resolution is to do more of the above (which has been pretty derailed since Thanksgiving). Choose connection and health over depletion, K, Emily? Instead of drinks with friends, offer a walk with friends. Instead of indulging in